I keep waiting for my life
I keep searching through my mind
I keep wandering around
God only knows what I think I'll find
But I'll look anyway
And I'll arrive one day...
Waiting pretty much sums up my life, yet what it is I'm waiting for I couldn't even begin to tell you. Maybe it's direction, inspiration, purpose, or an epiphany of sorts, I don't really know. It's incredibly frustrating especially when you see your peers moving forward with a direction and progressing in their lives (not that I'm not thrilled and excited for them), and you're still here at the same point you were a few years ago...no further ahead or behind. But what I do know is that I'm called to wait for whatever that might be. I think waiting is the hardest thing to do for any of us. Forty-three times in the Old Testament alone we're commanded, "wait on the Lord." I guess waiting forces us to recognize we're not in control and it humbles us in ways we need to be humbled.
I think of the analogy of the trapeze artist. For a moment, which must feel like eternity, he/she is suspended in nothingness. She can't go back, but it's too soon to be grasped by the one who'll catch her. And she must wait in absolute trust. If she doesn't, it obviously could have major consequences for her. I guess I'm in a vulnerable place like this right now...I've been letting go of what God has called me to let go of, but I can't feel His hand catching me yet. And that's where the waiting part takes over. There are some days where I just feel like I'm free falling and wonder when He's going to catch me already! It's hard, plain and simple, and I don't always embrace it as I should. But then again Moses waited 80 years for a ministry that lasted 40 - two thirds of his life was spent getting ready. It's a reminder to me that life isn't measured by its length but by its effectiveness and impact for God. So wait I will and trust that He'll catch me (eventually).
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